Wednesday, March 26, 2014

5 Scents That Aren't Even Scents


So I was lady-poopin' the other day and noticed the air freshener in my friend’s bathroom was scented “Brilliant Sunshine” i.e. NOT A REAL SMELL.  What happened to the good old days of Lavender and Peach Blossom, or the groundbreaking Cucumber Melon?!  Here are 5 more ridiculous non-smells for your enjoyment:

1.  ANGEL WHISPERS
Okay, no.  First off, the creepiest.  Secondly, not a smell.  The fact that something called “Angel Whispers” even has a scent implies that angels suffer from halitosis in which case everything I was taught about angels IS A SHAM.


2.  HAWAIIAN ALOHA
Naming something “Hawaiian Aloha” is the same as naming it “The American Hello” or “The French Bonjour,” all of which sound more like weird hand jobs than anything.


3.  VANILLA & MOONLIGHT
Hey, I can say two totally unrelated words too!  Omaha and shoelaces.  Barbecue and genocide.  Not to mention, you can’t smell moonlight.  You can’t even touch it!  BECAUSE IT’S INTANGIBLE ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION.


4.  LINEN & SKY
Here’s how I imagine a conversation between me and someone with this air freshener going:

Me: Hey, what does this one smell like?
Them: Um… the sky.
Me: Oh, what does the sky smell like?
Them: BUT ALSO LINEN.
Me: Okay so like… a tablecloth?  Or pants?  Does this air freshener smell like pants?
Them: UM LINEN BUT ALSO SKY.
Me: Please let me out of your apartment.


5.  CASHMERE WOODS
"Cashmere Woods" makes me think of a magical forest made entirely of cashmere where cashmere squirrels and cashmere blue jays and cashmere bunnies frolic over rolling hills of cashmere until they all die because nobody has bones or beating hearts.

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