7 Things That Really Bother Me And Probably Shouldn’t

1.  SELFIES – Look, I get it.  Some days you look real good, and it’s perfectly all right to document that.  But there’s a time and a place for selfies, which isn’t ALL THE TIME and EVERYWHERE.  Selfies are not for the #waiting_room at your #butt_doctor.  They’re for those nights you get real experimental with that eye shadow kit you got from T.J. Maxx because it was only $7.99 and Urban Decay is still a thing, right?! or that morning you wake up with magnificent sex hair even though YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT OR ANY NIGHT IN THE PAST 4½ MONTHS AND WHY WON’T ANYONE HAVE SEX WITH YOU?!  Please, I welcome you to take that photo.  Purse those lips and look to the side as if something caught your attention just out of frame.  What could it be?!  A shooting star?  Two squirrels high-fiving?  A mass grave?  WE’LL NEVER KNOW.  But you take that photo, girlfriend!  And then sequester those selfies in the depths of your phone for eternity.  Look at them when that dude won’t text you back or when your fat pants become your normal pants and your normal pants become unwearable.  Just don’t post them on the Internet every 5 seconds!  Selfies should serve as a confidential reminder that you’re beautiful (because you are beautiful) and, more often, a source of immeasurable anxiety whenever someone scrolls through the photos on your phone.

2.  ACCORDION-STYLE POST-ITS – Whoever thought this was a good idea needs to get punched in the neck.  Post-its are great.  End of invention.  Accordion-style post-its are for people who hate themselves.  For starters, you never know if you’re writing upside down until it’s too late because the sticky end alternates with every sheet.  And if you stick the stack on your cubicle wall it’s like having a flaccid post-it weenie constantly drooping down into your workspace.  Worst invention since washable sandwich bags.  (Don’t even get me started.)

3.  PEOPLE WHO SHOW YOU PICTURES OF OTHER PEOPLE’S BABIES – It’s already risky sharing photos of your own kid, because you’re essentially demanding that people ooh and ahh over a miniature, bald version of yourself that poops its pants every 5 minutes.  But showing people pictures of kids that aren’t even yours?  No please.  Oh cool, that’s your friend’s sister’s baby?  What tricks does he do?  None?  THOUGHT SO.  *NOTE: This does not apply to pictures of puppies.  Puppy pics are always welcome regardless of how many degrees of separation.

4.  STREET GRATES THAT EMIT HOT AIR – I don’t know what it is or where it comes from but I hate it with all that I have.  Begone, Underground Wind!  Return to the sewers from whence you came!

5.  MEN IN FLIP-FLOPS – Admittedly, this one’s sexist.  However, I can confidently say there’s never been a time in my life that I’ve looked at a man wearing flip-flops and thought, “Damn, that looks nice.”  It’s not even about the hairy hobbit man toes.  Men only have so much control over this.  What bothers me is the sizing.  I imagine every transaction goes down like this: “Hi, I’m looking for a pair of flip flops because I’d like to repel women.  I’m a size 8, so please bring me a 9½ because I want my toes to curl over the front end and there to be lots of extra room behind my heel.  Did I mention I don’t understand how shoes work?”

6.  SERENADES – A serenade is just a hostage situation + a guitar.  There are a lot of questions you have to ask yourself when you’re on the receiving end of a serenade, mainly: where the fuck do I look?  Because let's face it—a serenade is just two people sitting in a room, one desperately seeking eye contact and the other desperately avoiding it.  How MISERABLE does that sound?  It's just 3 minutes of that.  And once those 3 minutes are up, a new panic sets in: what do I do when it's over—fucking clap?  There it is—a serenade is just one person clapping for one other person with no one else around.  Kill me.  There’s only one thing more uncomfortable than being serenaded and it’s putting on a wet bathing suit.

7.  PUTTING ON A WET BATHING SUIT – Probably what wearing somebody else’s skin feels like.  Except worse.