Today's Nugget of Wisdom

"Squirrels are just rats with prettier outfits." --My Friend Pilar

That Weird Realization

There's no such thing as adults, just grown-up teenagers.

A Genuine Cover Letter

To Whom It May Concern:

I’m fucking broke.  I have $112 in my checking account, and $584 in credit card debt.  I’m no math major, but I’m pretty sure that means I’m broke.  Oh, and I got an $88 parking ticket today.  Which I guess means I’m broker than broke.  Can I have a job please?

Don’t get me wrong—I don’t necessarily want to work.  I love my entirely free days, but I’ve discovered that with no money to spend and no unemployed friends to hang out with, this free time has lost some of its charm.

Hey, should I have started out this letter by stating my “keen interest” in joining your company?  Or are you the cool guys who see right through that sort of I-took-one-SAT-class-and-learned-the-word-“keen” bullshit?  Please let me know ahead of time so I don’t feel like an ass after submitting this to you.

Here’s what’s up.  I can read and write.  I have a college degree.  I learned the most valuable lessons in college outside the classroom—the ones that I would actually incorporate into my workday.  Like proper etiquette when meeting new people, interacting in diverse environments, and “beer before liquor, never been sicker.”

Here’s the truth.  I know little to absolutely nothing about your company.  I probably should have researched it before starting this letter, but there were so many words and my eyes got bored.  What I do know is I saw the word “Assistant” in the job description and, from what I hear, that’s what I have to become to eventually have a job that sucks less than the one I am currently applying for, with keen interest of course.  I know how to use a telephone and a computer and the Internet.  I won’t list my computer skills because I’m 21.  I was raised in the Age of Technology.  If I don’t know a program already, I’ll figure it out.  Because nerds love explaining that shit on Internet forums.

I don’t know why you asked for a cover letter because you probably hate reading them as much as I hate writing them.  You also stressed in your job posting that you wanted it BRIEF.  Why have one at all?  I’m just putting the most impressive aspects of my resume into sentence form.  You guys have figured that one out, right?

Here’s another bit of truth: Anyone applying for a job straight out of college who says they’re “proficient in Excel” is a bold-faced liar, myself included.  There’s absolutely no reason we would have needed to learn Excel, but we know how you corporate hotshots love organizing shit into boxes.  So as far as you’re concerned, you bet your ass we’re proficient.

In conclusion, I urge you to seriously consider me for this position.  Because I would really like to not be broke anymore and I probably won’t even be that bad at it.  And also if I get a job my mom will take me on a shopping spree for “work clothes.”  I needs me some cardigans.

Halfheartedly,

Forman

P.S. Did you ever notice that the word “halfheartedly” has the word “fart” in it?  Awesome.