An Updated Adulthood Checklist for the Post-Grad-Slumpers

This is how I know I'm an adult: I've surpassed the age of 18.

This is how I know I'm not an adult: I live with my parents.  I have 3 pseudo-jobs, none of which the government is aware of.  I assume I shouldn't pay for my own prescriptions or haircuts.  I was claimed as a dependent on somebody else's taxes (nothing like "claimed as a dependent" to make you feel like the ungrateful doesn't-know-how-good-she-has-it college-educated parasite that you are).

So where does this all bring us?  THE ECONOMY, of course.  THE ECONOMY, which, as I don't have to point out, is in all CAPS, meaning I don't have to spell out for you its grave significance, the way someone can write dogma or Dogma or god or God and you just know it's bigger and better and sobering and infinite and heavier cause CAPS are so HEAVY and they carry with them so much INHERENT MEANING that you can infer their weighty importance without so much as a disorienting run-on sentence masking itself as clarity.

THE ECONOMY, or that big, bad, faceless entity that my generation has decided to hate and love.  We hate it because we don't fully understand it, but we've heard it's to blame for our persisting post-grad loserdom.  We love it because it's the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card.  People don't scoff at us for living at home.  Our parents don't guilt us for asking to be reimbursed for the grocery shopping.  Friends don't blame us for canceling because we got a babysitting gig.  Not in THIS ECONOMY.

Sure, my adulthood checklist, by this century's standards, remains primarily unchecked.  But I think this is as good a time as any to rework what it means to be an adult.  Because even though I have definitely accepted more than one ride from my mother to a bar this month, I'm still a little grown up.  Just a little.  And here's how I know:

1. I hate pennies.
2. I appreciate naps.
3. Homeless people don't scare me.
4. I don't hollow out the brie at a holiday party, even though the rind is terrible.  Seriously guys, it's terrible.
5. I think there are more good people in this world than bad.
6. I think there are more bad people in this world than good.
7. I hate talking on the phone.
8. I'm on mailing lists.
9. I'm terrified of my credit card.
10. I can't figure out Twitter.
11. Sometimes I call my friends' parents by their first names.
12. I think people drive too fast.
13. NPR is interesting.
14. Sometimes I forget to eat dinner.
15. I watch documentaries by myself.
16. My birthday stresses me out.
17. Of course I'm going to vote.
18. I used to love Law & Order: SVU but now it just scares me.
19. I'm generally out of breath.
20. Sure, you can buy me a drink.

I don't know if I set out to prove a point, what that point would be, or if I've gotten anywhere close to proving it.  I guess  this post-grad slump is just a little emasculating and I'd like to be taken a bit more seriously.  After all, I'm 22 and a half.

And They Both Need A Good Hook

Writing is the golf of expression.

Today's Nugget of Wisdom

"Squirrels are just rats with prettier outfits." --My Friend Pilar

That Weird Realization

There's no such thing as adults, just grown-up teenagers.

A Genuine Cover Letter

To Whom It May Concern:

I’m fucking broke.  I have $112 in my checking account, and $584 in credit card debt.  I’m no math major, but I’m pretty sure that means I’m broke.  Oh, and I got an $88 parking ticket today.  Which I guess means I’m broker than broke.  Can I have a job please?

Don’t get me wrong—I don’t necessarily want to work.  I love my entirely free days, but I’ve discovered that with no money to spend and no unemployed friends to hang out with, this free time has lost some of its charm.

Hey, should I have started out this letter by stating my “keen interest” in joining your company?  Or are you the cool guys who see right through that sort of I-took-one-SAT-class-and-learned-the-word-“keen” bullshit?  Please let me know ahead of time so I don’t feel like an ass after submitting this to you.

Here’s what’s up.  I can read and write.  I have a college degree.  I learned the most valuable lessons in college outside the classroom—the ones that I would actually incorporate into my workday.  Like proper etiquette when meeting new people, interacting in diverse environments, and “beer before liquor, never been sicker.”

Here’s the truth.  I know little to absolutely nothing about your company.  I probably should have researched it before starting this letter, but there were so many words and my eyes got bored.  What I do know is I saw the word “Assistant” in the job description and, from what I hear, that’s what I have to become to eventually have a job that sucks less than the one I am currently applying for, with keen interest of course.  I know how to use a telephone and a computer and the Internet.  I won’t list my computer skills because I’m 21.  I was raised in the Age of Technology.  If I don’t know a program already, I’ll figure it out.  Because nerds love explaining that shit on Internet forums.

I don’t know why you asked for a cover letter because you probably hate reading them as much as I hate writing them.  You also stressed in your job posting that you wanted it BRIEF.  Why have one at all?  I’m just putting the most impressive aspects of my resume into sentence form.  You guys have figured that one out, right?

Here’s another bit of truth: Anyone applying for a job straight out of college who says they’re “proficient in Excel” is a bold-faced liar, myself included.  There’s absolutely no reason we would have needed to learn Excel, but we know how you corporate hotshots love organizing shit into boxes.  So as far as you’re concerned, you bet your ass we’re proficient.

In conclusion, I urge you to seriously consider me for this position.  Because I would really like to not be broke anymore and I probably won’t even be that bad at it.  And also if I get a job my mom will take me on a shopping spree for “work clothes.”  I needs me some cardigans.

Halfheartedly,

Forman

P.S. Did you ever notice that the word “halfheartedly” has the word “fart” in it?  Awesome.