So I was lady-poopin' the other day and noticed the air freshener
in my friend’s bathroom was scented “Brilliant Sunshine” i.e. NOT A REAL SMELL. What happened to the good old days of
Lavender and Peach Blossom, or the groundbreaking Cucumber Melon?! Here are 5 more ridiculous non-smells for
your enjoyment:
1. ANGEL WHISPERS
Okay, no. First off, the creepiest. Secondly, not a smell. The fact that something called “Angel Whispers” even has a scent implies that angels suffer from halitosis in which case everything I was taught about angels IS A SHAM.
2. HAWAIIAN ALOHA
Naming
something “Hawaiian Aloha” is the same as naming it “The American Hello” or
“The French Bonjour,” all of which sound more like weird hand jobs than
anything.
3. VANILLA & MOONLIGHT
Hey,
I can say two totally unrelated words too!
Omaha and shoelaces. Barbecue and
genocide. Not to mention, you can’t
smell moonlight. You can’t even touch
it! BECAUSE IT’S INTANGIBLE
ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION.
4. LINEN & SKY
Here’s
how I imagine a conversation between me and someone with this air freshener
going:
Me: Hey, what does this one smell like?
Them: Um… the sky.
Me: Oh, what does the
sky smell like?
Them: BUT ALSO LINEN.
Me: Okay so like… a tablecloth? Or pants?
Does this air freshener smell like pants?
Them: UM LINEN BUT ALSO SKY.
Me: Please let me out of your apartment.
5. CASHMERE WOODS
"Cashmere
Woods" makes me think of a magical forest made entirely of cashmere where cashmere
squirrels and cashmere blue jays and cashmere bunnies frolic over rolling hills
of cashmere until they all die because nobody has bones or beating hearts.
